It was raining and I was sitting in the backseat of my mother’s grey Buick, watching the water cascade down the window like someone else’s sorrow splayed for me to notice. Already, I understood isolation and the pain that comes with not belonging, and the understanding that comes when others see you as a monster, a thing, a weirdness in the world. I was five-years-old, waiting for my sister to rush into our car excitedly from school. I begrudgingly went to nursery school, crying every morning. If you asked me why I feared other children so much, I could not tell you. I still cannot.
Read MoreOn a Family History of Cancer, Death, & Dreams
This defense of death by Rilke still holds a strange power over me, with its aphoristic quality. Perhaps these words resonate – despite bordering on the cliché – because of their inevitability. Life will give you mixed signals, frustrate you with its ambivalence – yes, you can count on me for anything but just now I am in over my head. Yet like a loyal friend death offers an eternal bond, says yes and follows through. In the face of forever, Death reaches out to hold you by the hand. I would like to believe Rilke’s conviction and follow its lead un-fearfully. I try to resign myself to the eventuality of death but time and time again, I am haunted by its lengthy list of strategies.
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