BY JOANNA C. VALENTE
Sometimes I say what I feel but sometimes I don’t. And I feel guilty for those moments, for being pleasant, for making myself small and unseen, for taking up only a corner of space so others can breathe easier.
We never want to hurt people, often avoid it at all costs. This is seen as virtuous, saintly, delicate. But isn’t deflection an act of lying, of submission, instead of defiance? I sometimes willingly let myself fall into a mask and don’t know how to take it off.
“I don’t know who I am sometimes,” you told me in a coffee shop. It was sunny outside. I nodded, sympathetically, and said, “I know.” I wanted to say you were wrong, but I couldn’t lie.
My ex’s words haunt me when I walk by myself or find myself unable to open a jar in the kitchen. No one else will love you, not like this. I used to believe I was unlovable, that there was something wrong with me, my insides like hyper-aware tendrils snaking around. I don’t believe this anymore, but sometimes, my body still aches, even from the memory of that feeling. If it wasn’t physical, could it actually hurt? Did it really happen?
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I don’t even cry when I think these things. I am silent, just like when you told me I could be thinner. I was naked. When you said that, I wanted to disappear, have the air eat me. I didn’t say anything at the time because I believed you were right. Sometimes I still do. Is everyone like this? Does everyone hide from what they believe and what they don’t want to believe?
Sometimes I say what I feel, but sometimes I don’t. And I feel guilty for those moments, for being pleasant, for making myself small and unseen. For taking up only a corner of space so others can breathe easier.
We never want to hurt people. But we do. I sometimes willingly let myself fall into a mask and don’t know how to take it off. Now, I do.
Joanna C. Valente is a human who lives in Brooklyn, New York. They are the author of Sirs & Madams, The Gods Are Dead, Marys of the Sea, Sexting Ghosts, Xenos, No(body), #Survivor, (forthcoming, The Operating System), and is the editor of A Shadow Map: Writing by Survivors of Sexual Assault. They received their MFA in writing at Sarah Lawrence College. Joanna is the founder of Yes Poetry and the senior managing editor for Luna Luna Magazine. Some of their writing has appeared in The Rumpus, Them, Brooklyn Magazine, BUST, and elsewhere. Joanna also leads workshops at Brooklyn Poets. joannavalente.com / Twitter: @joannasaid / IG: joannacvalente / FB: joannacvalente